Monday, July 04, 2005
eyebags came back this afternoon. they were hideous. glaring.
mocking. mortifying.
okay, maybe it doesn't look that bad. but if they don't go away by wednesday, i'll go for oral with an arabian mask over my head..
started studying at 830 today. stopped for lunch at 3 something. not hungry yet, so ate a few strands of spaghetti, left the rest for later and logged on to neopets for some absurd reason.
and immediately this person from the newbie board said i should be offline doing literature.
and i was like @#$%&@#%?!! what's wrong you? what's wrong with having a break?! stuff kitkat in your mouth ah. break you instead. ....
anyway, don't know why so obedient, went offline. did maths. did a maths. did half of literature.
did other practices. a lot of things lah. i don't know what. cos i wasn't thinking.
back started aching again, so went to the living room table. hours passed and brother came home from airforce school.
he opened the fridge, took out the remaining spaghetti and sauce and ate it all up.
and i stared hungrily. the aroma was so. omg.
then he switched on the tv and watched tongxinyuan.. i was quite upset lah, trying to study and not be tempted to go and watch too.. but couldn't. so
"aiyoh. can have some compassion?!"
"..."
"i was considerate when you were studying for ur a's and o's lor."
"how can like that? this is my FAVOURITE show. it's the only time i get to learn chinese now i've graduated you know." @#$%&?!@#$%@#&???
finally went back to my room. 2 more questions, won't die of the backache. blah.
then i started thinking about the times when he had his major exams. the days monster made me stay in my room to keep out of his way. told me not to watch tv, on the radio, use the comp, make loud noises because "brother has to study for his o levels..."
"then how come the night before my psle started you had so many people over until so late?"
"that's different. when you study for your o's i'll make sure you have a conducive environment to study in also."
yah. and you're barely at home this year to keep your monster junior from throwing wooden chairs at me when he has had a bad day. a wonderfully conducive environment you have provided me with. i express deep gratitude.
maybe i'm starting to be jealous of the love my parents give my brother. maybe i'm envious of his smartness.
but i know it's wrong to covet anything that belongs to someone else. so i try not to wish that i could have his good fortune.
sometimes i just wish.. that my parents could spare me more of their time.
or that i could find someone to confide in. to put my trust in. to share my love.
instead of just taking it away.
i dare tell myself that i've given my all at every opportunity, although i don't want to say so in personality tests, because that limits my perception of 'all'. but nothing much comes back.
and every night i ask the Lord. how come? but he doesn't answer.
so i think. maybe it's not enough. and i try harder the next day. and the next, and the next.
okay this is getting quite sad. let us not dwell on this dreary subject. -droll smile.
i met a cockroach outside the lift just now. it was large. it was humongous. i was petrified. then it went into the lift and i sent the lift down. HAHA. ((((:
what a nice neighbour i am. i'll put in a can of bygone the next time i step into that lift.
7:41 PM
reach for
the stars(:
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